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i am not going to lie.  i am having a tough time.  i cry myself to sleep.  i ask "why?" i feel so angry i can barely breath and i feel far from festive.  we went on a little excursion this weekend to find just the right tree, my babies were giggling, the snow was quietly falling, and i was somewhere else.  my heart was and still is with the little town that has a tragedy that is way too big.  

how do you move past this type of awful and show pretty things, and snazzy frivolousness?  all the things i had felt so much joy sharing with all of you just seem silly now.  running out and getting the last few gifts seems like a colossal waste of time.  "merry" is not how i feel.  i want to do something, but for the life of me, can't figure out what that is.  i wish it were possible to throw a big warm blanket over every single child and protect them from this evil that is far larger than i had ever thought possible.  the point is i don't know what to say or where to go from here?

i guess am going to do my best to love my family enough, so much that maybe some of it can spill over on those families that are one less this year.  i am not going to take anything for granted.  i will do my best to run from the fear, anger and hate and look for the good.  i will never forget, but i will never indulge the terrible details.  

i just couldn't continue on my little blog called bliss, without saying something and letting you that i am just plain sad...but hopeful too.  the hope i have comes from the stories of all the good that has risen from newtown, connecticut; the stories of heroic acts and caring neighbors. i heard this quote this weekend:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
― Fred Rogers

this has helped me...i hope you can find some type of peace from it as well.

usa today has also done a wonderful job of compiling a list of ways we can help the families that have lost so much...please read it here.

xo mrs. french

Reader Comments (10)

I feel the same way - it is just so sad, I can't express it in words.

December 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Where your attention goes Energy Grows...best to focus on the GOOD not the bad...and turn off the news...just a peace filled thought

December 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOver the Rainbow

I'm shy about commenting on blogs, but this post compelled me to. I feel the same and my heart aches for those affected, especially the parents.
I love that Mr. Rogers quote. Another one I found helpful:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

December 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa B

Thank you. Beautifully said.

December 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca Ladd

I know how you feel, i feel the same. i see my friends move on and i feel stuck. I called a restaurant in Newtown, a random one, and offered to buy a family dinner. the waitress picked a teacher and said she cried when she told her. there is nothing we can do to take away their pain or ours, but we can show we care.

if you are able, i encourage you to do the same

December 18, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlauren

Well well said. Thank you.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnosila

You can become politically active and support meaningful measures to make our society safer. Whatever that means to you. To me it means gun regulations of some sort. It is long past time.

Get angry.

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLS

Je suis votre blog depuis longtemps et c'est la première fois que je commente.
Vous êtes Mrs French donc je poste en français, ou dois-je écrire en anglais ?

Tout ceci pour dire que je comprends cette douleur, et que j'espère que l'Amérique réfléchira enfin à la question des armes, trop présentes dans votre société..

Bonne continuation et je vous souhaite de douces fêtes avec vos proches.

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterfabienne

Thank you for posting this. Exactly how I feel. I have found myself spontaneously crying throughout every day. "Merry" is far from my thoughts. And yet, somehow, we must continue to find the beauty. It's an upside down world. But still, like you said, there are helpers. There are quiet fields of freshly fallen snow. There are trees, bare but still lovely in their nakedness. There are tiny drops of water on the ends of branches. And even in the dark of winter, there is still light. May that light find its way through all this darkness. Thank you for you, for your aesthetic, your honesty, your willingness to share and create community in this strange place we call the Internet. Someday I will share a cup of something tasty with you. Your words and aesthetic are so much like my own. All my best.

December 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

Thank you for this post. I feel the same way. Not sure of the antidote yet, but know talking about the feeling is the first step.

December 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarla

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